Finding Joy in Complexity
The other day I wrote a post about My Journey, talking about an upcoming appointment I had to discuss where I was in my treatment. Turns out it wasn’t all bad. Short version is that the colon remains unchanged, and the spine isn’t of any real concern. The lungs remain a concern but while my now past chemotherapy didn’t exactly reverse the size of the tumors, they did not sprea and there aren’t any new ones that we can tell. The ones in my lungs are “innumerable,” which means in the best of cases we aren’t likely going to be talking remission, but finding course of treatments that keep it management. No pun intended but I can live with that. I will be starting a new chemo regimen, but I can literally live with that.
On Monday I was realizing and expressing fear – not for myself but for those I care about. But fear (of that kind) starts from projecting outcomes, in my case running through possible scenarios where no outcome has been announced or decided. I created them. In my mind, by definition, that is irrational.
But fear and most emotions aren’t rational, so we’re going to experience them. I am comfortable with that, and not trying to control it, but on Monday, for a brief not-so-shiny moment, I gave into it. Only to find that while my condition has not improved, it also hasn’t degraded. I find joy in that.
Guess that’s my lesson. Stop projecting. Stop anticipating or assuming outcomes. Let the Universe handle that, stay mindful, and stay serene.
I got back there almost when I put down the proverbial pen on Monday. But I spent at least a couple of hours fretting. What’s worse is that I have support mechanisms, and I have my Zen. Not the spiritual philosophy but an actual person, and I did not call them, and I did not call her.
Experiencing fear is natural. Not being humble enough to use the resources to support yourself during fearful times is both arrogant and ignorant.
Sometimes it ain’t cool to Be Like Mike.
Unless you learn from it. We’ll see if I did.